Trying to Stay Positive

Every time I take a pregnancy test and its negative, I become negative and feel hopeless. I know I'm not the only one who has fertility problems, but that doesn't change how hard this is. I think about those who have gotten pregnant and miscarried, and though I am truly saddened for them, at least they know they can get pregnant. Being in a place where I've never gotten to see a positive pregnancy test is hard. I wonder if I am even able to get pregnant. My doctor here in Korea has been really great. He keeps telling me to stay positive and not worry that it will happen. Soon I will be leaving Korea, (which is good in some ways and bad in others) but I will definitely not be able to afford IVF back in states. The problem now is I can't afford it in Korea either and now there isn't enough time to do it anyways...So I'm up the creek I guess. I can't take Clomid too many more times because it can become dangerous if taken too many times, so its just another thing that's added to the list of things causing me to lose hope that I will ever get pregnant.

There was finally a positive thing that happened to us. On May 18th, (his birthday) Richard had another semen analysis done but this time it was at Cha Hospital of 121 Army Hospital. We went back on May 24th for his results and the urologist gave us good news. If you recall, a few months ago Richard  had a semen analysis done at 121 and the results were not good. His sperm count on that test was 7 million per milliliter. The normal range begins at 20 million per milliliter so I was devastated that there was even more against us. Cha Hospital's semen analysis is much more in-depth so it gave  us a lot more information as well. The great news was that his sperm count was 49 million per milliliter. That was above the minimum norm and that made us ecstatic. The only issue he had was that his sperm's motility (the swimming) was a little lower than normal but not by much. The doctor said he would say his sperm was 90% great. This was a little glimmer of hope.

During my last cycle, other than the whole having sex bit, I tried so hard not to think about everything that was going on. It was always in the back of my mind, but I did a great job of keeping myself busy. Last month was also the first time I sort of felt as if I could get pregnant. My period was almost 5 days late and in those 5 days some hope started to grow. I began to think for sure that I must be pregnant. Then, I took a pregnancy test and got a negative. I planned to take one the following day and when I woke up to do so, there was no use in it. So we were back at square one...hopes crushed again. So what now?

Recently, I have been getting back in the gym and trying to enjoy life. I've been thinking a lot about the children God has planned for Richard and me to raise. I know He knows their name already, I just wish I did as well. I must share that I finally felt excited to see that someone was on National television talking about their struggle with PCOS. Olivia Ward was a finalist with her sister Hannah on NBC's show The Biggest Loser this past season. (She may have won but I haven't gotten to finish that episode yet) She was sharing about her diagnosis and fight and desire to have children. It really made me feel that there are other people who know what I'm going through. Its been so hard when I had my surgery to help me lose weight because that was the biggest factor in lightening the symptoms of PCOS. Then to get so much weight off and there to still be problems with PCOS just broke my heart. Knowing that Olivia knows what the weight issue and PCOS is really encourages me. I really think that is just awesome!

So now that I started this post before I went to the gym and finished it while I enjoy my signature "Decaf/Protein/Sugar Free/Caramel Frappuccino"after the gym, I just want to thank you all for reading this and for keeping us in your prayers. I know God's will and timing is perfect, I just need prayer to accept that.

In His name and for His fame...
Hayley