Day 13 ~

A Real Father's Day Wish

Ever since I can remember, Father's Day was a day I just didn't celebrate. When we made Father's Day crafts in school I would either ask not to make one or would make it for my mom. I do not have a father. I only have a sperm donor. I say this because my father chose to abuse me and not be in my life. After many years of grieving through that pain, I tried to have a relationship with him, but it definitely did not turn out well. Today, I don't even acknowledge his existence. But its okay because I have a different meaning for Father's Day than most people.

First, I get to praise God for being the best Daddy anyone could ever want or need. He shows me so much love in a littles blessings every single day. He comforts me when I'm sad and he wipes away my tears. He rejoices when I rejoice and He has shown me how to truly love. There is no better Father than our Heavenly Father. 

Second, I get to thank my mom for being both a mom and dad to my brother and I growing up. She and my grandmother did everything they could to raise my brother and I up right. So today, I say thank you mom!

Finally, I get to be hopeful and excited for the future. I married a wonderful man who will be an excellent Father. I pray that this time next year we can be celebrating him for being such a great Dad. I know he will be a great dad and that just makes me praise God!

So even though Father's Day isn't celebrating honoring my earthly father, its a day that I can be thankful for a God who loves me, a mother who has always supported me, and a husband who is my best friend! So today, instead of dwelling on what I don't have or wished I had growing up, I celebrate the wonderful "fathers" in my life. 

In His name and for His fame...

Hayley

I LOVE Scentsy...

So many of you know that I sell Scentsy. I not only sell it, but I LOVE it. The reason I have decided to write about Scentsy on my blog is because I want to list all the "Bring Back My Bar" Scents that will only be available for purchase in July. The other reason to post about Scentsy on my blog is because ever cent I make through selling Scentsy is being saved to cover the cost of fertility treatments like In-vitro Fertilization (IVF). We are saving money through the use of coupons and transferring money, but the money I make from Scentsy is a big contributor from my hard work to cover these costs.

I want to thank you all for reading and supporting me through all this. Your prayers and love mean so much to me. So now, without further rambling...here are the 20 BBMB scents:

Banana Flower
Banana Nut Bread
Cashmere*
Coconut Palm
Cutiepie Cupcake
Exotic Vanilla/Velvet Spice
Fresh Cut Cantaloupe*
Fried Ice Cream
Grape Granita
Irish Cream
Lemon Lavender*
Luscious Lemon
Orange Dreamsicle
Oxford*
Red Delicious
Root Beer Float
Spiced Orange Harvest
Strawberry Sweetie
Tuscan Garden
Watermelon Patch*

*These are scents I have used before and LOVED!!!

If you are interested in ordering any Scentsy, please visit my website @ Hayley's Scentsy Website
Thank you again for all your love, support, and prayers!
In His name and for His fame...
Hayley

Let's talk about SEX, baby...

Most people, especially in the Christian realm, do not like to talk about sex. They don't want to let others know them in that way and in many ways this is a good thing. In other ways, as long as you talk with other married friends (of the same sex) and don't give away too many details, I think its a great thing.

Sex has been on my mind a lot lately. God made sex to be this amazing thing 2 people who are committed to each other in marriage and crazy in love to share to bring Him glory. Sex between married couples is an act of worship. But then there comes all these questions I have about when I don't feel like sex is honoring to God?

The main premise of this post is about fertility, but all this trying to get pregnant stuff has made sex more of a chore that only happens once or twice a month (mainly when I'm ovulating). It is no longer spontaneous because there are such huge date and time restraints that we must make sure to get busy on. Along with losing its spontaneity, its lost a lot of its passion. I'm not trying to say its unenjoyable, its just not like it used to be. We have certain positions that are "best" for baby-making, and not to mention the fun 15 minutes of holding my legs up instead of cuddling.

I'm struggling a lot with this because sex is something that every human desires. Sex is something God created for our pleasure and His glory. I'm just sad that its not like it used to be, and yet we are still not getting pregnant so I feel overwhelmed at thinking how long will this go on?

This leads me to the root of all of these problems. PCOS is an ugly, ugly thing. Its also a huge mystery to the medical world as to why it even exists or came to be. There is no cure and its symptoms can lead to death. I've read and been told numerous times that losing weight is the best treatment for PCOS. Well I can check that off my list, but its definitely not helped. Its hard not to question why this happened to you and why there is no way to cure it.

Being a mother is a God-given desire. I believe there is a seed planted in every woman's heart from the beginning. Think about it. When we are growing up and playing with dolls and Barbies, we are always the mommy. We love to play house and pretend to cook and take care of the children. We even feel connections to them as if they are able to talk to us and tell us their needs. Then when we get older, some of us get a pet who becomes our baby until we are ready and able to have children. We talk to them as if they are human, we feed them, nurture them, exercise them, brush them, and even cuddle with them. But nothing suffices like your own actual baby with the man you waited your whole life to meet and fall in love with. Nothing can change the desire in your heart to be a mother and I believe God wouldn't want that desire to be changed.

Along with that, God doesn't want us to fall out of sync with the spouse He brought into our lives. If we are having trouble making sex happen on a normal basis from just trying to have a baby, I definitely want to nip it in the bud so we don't lose that closeness after we have kids.

I truly believe that sex is good all around. (In marriage only, of course) It's good for your emotional well-being, its good for your mental well-being, and its good for your physical well-being. I definitely want us to work on making sex fun again and not just something we mark off the to-do list. We need to get busy Praising God!

In His name and for His fame...
Hayley

Trying to Stay Positive

Every time I take a pregnancy test and its negative, I become negative and feel hopeless. I know I'm not the only one who has fertility problems, but that doesn't change how hard this is. I think about those who have gotten pregnant and miscarried, and though I am truly saddened for them, at least they know they can get pregnant. Being in a place where I've never gotten to see a positive pregnancy test is hard. I wonder if I am even able to get pregnant. My doctor here in Korea has been really great. He keeps telling me to stay positive and not worry that it will happen. Soon I will be leaving Korea, (which is good in some ways and bad in others) but I will definitely not be able to afford IVF back in states. The problem now is I can't afford it in Korea either and now there isn't enough time to do it anyways...So I'm up the creek I guess. I can't take Clomid too many more times because it can become dangerous if taken too many times, so its just another thing that's added to the list of things causing me to lose hope that I will ever get pregnant.

There was finally a positive thing that happened to us. On May 18th, (his birthday) Richard had another semen analysis done but this time it was at Cha Hospital of 121 Army Hospital. We went back on May 24th for his results and the urologist gave us good news. If you recall, a few months ago Richard  had a semen analysis done at 121 and the results were not good. His sperm count on that test was 7 million per milliliter. The normal range begins at 20 million per milliliter so I was devastated that there was even more against us. Cha Hospital's semen analysis is much more in-depth so it gave  us a lot more information as well. The great news was that his sperm count was 49 million per milliliter. That was above the minimum norm and that made us ecstatic. The only issue he had was that his sperm's motility (the swimming) was a little lower than normal but not by much. The doctor said he would say his sperm was 90% great. This was a little glimmer of hope.

During my last cycle, other than the whole having sex bit, I tried so hard not to think about everything that was going on. It was always in the back of my mind, but I did a great job of keeping myself busy. Last month was also the first time I sort of felt as if I could get pregnant. My period was almost 5 days late and in those 5 days some hope started to grow. I began to think for sure that I must be pregnant. Then, I took a pregnancy test and got a negative. I planned to take one the following day and when I woke up to do so, there was no use in it. So we were back at square one...hopes crushed again. So what now?

Recently, I have been getting back in the gym and trying to enjoy life. I've been thinking a lot about the children God has planned for Richard and me to raise. I know He knows their name already, I just wish I did as well. I must share that I finally felt excited to see that someone was on National television talking about their struggle with PCOS. Olivia Ward was a finalist with her sister Hannah on NBC's show The Biggest Loser this past season. (She may have won but I haven't gotten to finish that episode yet) She was sharing about her diagnosis and fight and desire to have children. It really made me feel that there are other people who know what I'm going through. Its been so hard when I had my surgery to help me lose weight because that was the biggest factor in lightening the symptoms of PCOS. Then to get so much weight off and there to still be problems with PCOS just broke my heart. Knowing that Olivia knows what the weight issue and PCOS is really encourages me. I really think that is just awesome!

So now that I started this post before I went to the gym and finished it while I enjoy my signature "Decaf/Protein/Sugar Free/Caramel Frappuccino"after the gym, I just want to thank you all for reading this and for keeping us in your prayers. I know God's will and timing is perfect, I just need prayer to accept that.

In His name and for His fame...
Hayley

It's Hard to Be Hopeful at Times...

So I haven't written too much about the fertility treatments recently and I wanted to share what is on my heart. I have been struggling a lot lately especially with the trying to not get my hopes up only to be let down. The last time I really remember writing about it was when I had to have the painful x-ray procedure done. Not too much has happened since then except that we found out Richard's sperm count is pretty low. He just had another semen analysis done on May 18th, so we are waiting for those results. With this extra hurdle, I have really began to feel hopeless. I have gained 20ish lbs. and I am struggling every time I look in the mirror. This past cycle I started feeling really hopeful. We had everything working for us and I didn't think too much about it. Then I started checking my calendar to see when I was supposed to start my period, and it was coming up. The day came and passed (I was almost 5 days late) and then it finally started. I took 2 pregnancy tests just in case but they were both negative. This was the first time I felt positive about the whole experience in that I might get pregnant. Then to find out that I wasn't only left me hopeless again.

 I started taking Clomid again last night, and the dose made me sick and I ended up throwing up the pills. When I talked to the doctor today, they said just continue to take the remaining 3 doses and then come in and they will do an ultrasound to see if I need another day's dose or not. So we are playing the waiting game to see if I'm going to ovulate or not. The doctor has said that he thinks In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) will be a great option for us. This is somewhat good news but also hard news. The good news is that the success rate for IVF is 80%. The bad news is that its so expensive. In the States it costs anywhere between $15,000-$20,000 to have it done. In Korea its much cheaper (3,000,000 Won which is around $3,000) but that is still A LOT of money to us. We are only an enlisted couple. There is no way we can afford that right now. So unless God sent us money someway or we could do something to make the money, we won't get to have IVF done before we leave Korea. Knowing this also diminishes my hope that I will get to have children.

I will let you know if anything changes or any updates I have when they happen. Thanks so much for reading my ramblings and all I ask is that you would pray for us. Thank you so much!

In His name and for His fame...
Hayley

Day 31 ~ 30 Day Photo Challenge (Bonus Day)

Day 31 - A picture of yourself

This picture was taken after our latest FRG spouse social. It was a hat night and I bought this hat at Lotte Mart since I had no other hat. It was the only one that really looked good on me.